The day has come...

I remember a time when I didn't know how pregnancy tests worked.  I knew they had lines and that women used them in the bathroom.  That was it.  Today, I am very familiar with pregnancy tests.  Over the past year and half, I have opened numerous boxes, torn the labels, peed in cups, tried not to pee on myself and waited.  Do you know how long 3 minutes can be?  Each time (most occuring at 2 or 3 am), I watched the control line appear and...the other window stay white.  I would check it a couple more times before going back to bed, just in case.  Always white.  And I never was sure how I felt about it.

Today, that all changed.  I saw the result and knew how I felt.  6am, 2 blue lines.  A little bit of a freak out, then into the bedroom to wake up Drew.  The line was very faint, but there.  I tried going back to sleep, to no avail.  I've been up since 6.  

When 8am finally rolled around, I began calling Renata, who didn't answer.  I decided to take another test, just to be sure.  As I suspected, a darker blue line!  I got in the car, went to Renata's, where we both freaked out enough to make Jack cry.  

Now, I'm excited and trying not to get ahead of myself.  I know a lot of miscarriages happen early on.  And I am scared.  And trying not to be.  I'm trying not to be excited or scared.  A little confusing.

Timing shmiming

I wasn't expecting more timing issues as far as when to have babies.  I figured we would choose to start and just go for it.  We're still not quite out of the woods yet. :)

There are several things that we've been wrestling with as far as good timing.  I know God holds it in his hand.  However, we want to be prepared, seek the right time and make the best decision we can.  A few things are riding on future baby Ack.

1. Wedding season.  Photography is very seasonal.  We work our butts off April-October, then sit around January-March.  Knowing this, we figured the best time to have a baby would be in the winter, giving me enough time to recover and get pumped for wedding season.  We, however, missed this window of conception, having not made a definite decision yet.  We have already booked weddings in April and May in 2010, so March would be the last opportunity to deliver and have enough time to recuperate.  Delivering in March means being pregnant in June, which is now.

2. India.  Our hearts have longed been stirred by India.  In fact, we should credit India with bringing us together in the first place.  And now, we have the opportunity to go, serve and bring it back.  We were asked to be a part of the missions team at church a few months ago and the team has since met, decided on India and are in the planning stages of a trip in late 2010.  God has been faithful in planting those seeds in us and is allowing us to see fruit.  It's pretty cool.  But we either have to have the baby before leaving, allowing enough time to wean to formula or wait until after India to conceive.  I SO don't want to be pregnant while there, and I'm not even sure I could go if I was.  

Those two things leave a very small time window.  It's get pregnant NOW.  This month.  Getting pregnant this month would be ideal; enough time to get back on my feet before wedding season starts and far enough away from the India trip.  My biggest concern now is, of course, if I don't get pregnant this month.  We will sacrifice something, whether we keep trying or wait. 

Honestly, I never want to be the kind of person who puts career before family.  Ever.  And neither does Drew.  India is also something extremely important to me and I want to make every effort to go.  

I told Renata this morning to pray that it happens this month. :)  I'm praying for that, too.  But I'm really trying to trust.  And that's hard.

A new leaf

So, we've decided to start a family.  Or at least give it a try, for that matter. :)  

I've been thinking about having babies on and off for a year or so, trying hard to wait for right time and really letting Drew make his decision without manipulation.  Once 2009 hit, I was ready.  Sure, I'm young.  Sure, we're not rich.  But there will always be a reason to wait.  And we both want to be young and full of energy...and on a personal note, I want my body to be in the best shape to bounce back!  

Drew wasn't quite there yet, and I really wanted to give him his space and not pressure him for a decision.  In April, after some thinking and reading (thanks, Brian McLaren!), Drew made up his mind and decided we should go for it.

So, we decided to stop using the pill and just kind of see what happens.  I'm not calculating my ovulation or body temperature or anything.  I'm trying hard not to think about it all the time!

In our first month, I've already taken 3 pregnancy tests...with negative results.  And that's okay.  I'm trusting that when it happens is the right time; God knows the date already and that's best.